I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

- Peter Kay

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

- Peter Kay

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

- Peter Kay

I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.

- Peter Kay

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

- Peter Kay

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

- Peter Kay

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

- Peter Kay

You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that.

- Peter Kay

Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

- Peter Kay