The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's just Tasmania.' The second time …

- Rich Hall

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

- Rich Hall

A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

- Rich Hall

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to…

- Rich Hall

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

- Rich Hall

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

- Rich Hall

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

- Rich Hall

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

- Rich Hall

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

- Rich Hall