Frances Stevens: Mother, this is why I've had to spend half my life running around the world after youto keep men like this away from you. Mrs. Stev…

- John Michael Hayes

Bourbon's the only drink. You can take all that champagne stuff and pour it down the English Channel. Well, why wait 80 years before you can drink th…

- John Michael Hayes

Weve become a race of Peeping Toms. What people oughta do is get outside their own house and look in for a change.

- John Michael Hayes

Every time an ashtray is missing from a hotel, they don't come looking for you. But let a diamond bracelet disappear in France and they shout John Ro…

- John Michael Hayes

I wonder if it's ethical to watch a man with binoculars and a long-focus lens? D'ya suppose it's ethical even if you prove that he didn't commit a cr…

- John Michael Hayes

Where does a man get inspiration to write a song like that? Well, he gets it from the landlady once a month.

- John Michael Hayes