Bourbon's the only drink. You can take all that champagne stuff and pour it down the English Channel. Well, why wait 80 years before you can drink th…

- John Michael Hayes

Frances Stevens: Mother, this is why I've had to spend half my life running around the world after youto keep men like this away from you. Mrs. Stev…

- John Michael Hayes

Weve become a race of Peeping Toms. What people oughta do is get outside their own house and look in for a change.

- John Michael Hayes

Where does a man get inspiration to write a song like that? Well, he gets it from the landlady once a month.

- John Michael Hayes

Every time an ashtray is missing from a hotel, they don't come looking for you. But let a diamond bracelet disappear in France and they shout John Ro…

- John Michael Hayes

I wonder if it's ethical to watch a man with binoculars and a long-focus lens? D'ya suppose it's ethical even if you prove that he didn't commit a cr…

- John Michael Hayes