It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it.

- Artemas Ward

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

- Artemas Ward

The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop Over!.... G. Washington never slopt over.

- Artemas Ward

We wish genius and morality where affectionate companions, but it is a fact that they are often bitter enemies. They don't necessarily coalesce any m…

- Artemas Ward

I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels.

- Artemas Ward

Trouble will come soon enough, and when he does come receive him as pleasantly as possible. The more amiably you greet him, the sooner he will go awa…

- Artemas Ward

The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybod…

- Artemas Ward

Imagine for a moment Napoleon I, to have borne the name of Jenkins, or Washington to have sustained the appellation of John Smith!

- Artemas Ward

One of the principal features of my entertainment is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with it.

- Artemas Ward