Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

- Dave Attell

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

- Dave Attell

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the …

- Dave Attell

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." Y…

- Dave Attell

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

- Dave Attell

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

- Dave Attell

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

- Dave Attell

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out a…

- Dave Attell

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a …

- Dave Attell