I am a God-fearing man. In fact, I don't go to church because I'm afraid I'll run into him there.

- Matthew Diamond

It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth ?

- Matthew Diamond

A wise man once asked me, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" I thought for a minute, then I slapped him across the face. That got him off my b…

- Matthew Diamond