Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

- Brian P. Cleary

In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

- Brian P. Cleary

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a wor…

- Brian P. Cleary

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old t…

- Brian P. Cleary

You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been d…

- Brian P. Cleary

I love the semicolon; it's unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

- Brian P. Cleary

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

- Brian P. Cleary

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

- Brian P. Cleary

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re …

- Brian P. Cleary