I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. - Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
- Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. - Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. - Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. - Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. - Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. - Demetri Martin
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards. - Demetri Martin
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. - Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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