Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

- Dane Cook

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

- Dane Cook

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

- Dane Cook

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

- Dane Cook

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

- Dane Cook

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

- Dane Cook

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

- Dane Cook

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

- Dane Cook

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

- Dane Cook