I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

- George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

- George Burns

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

- George Burns

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

- George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

- George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

- George Burns

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

- George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

- George Burns

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

- George Burns