Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

- Artie Lange

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

- Artie Lange

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

- Artie Lange

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

- Artie Lange

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

- Artie Lange

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - …

- Artie Lange

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

- Artie Lange

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

- Artie Lange

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

- Artie Lange