I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works… - Phyllis Diller
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works…
- Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. - Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied… - Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied…
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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