I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works… - Phyllis Diller
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works…
- Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. - Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied… - Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied…
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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