I am breathing. That's how I'm staying alive!

- Ryan Stiles

You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.

- Ryan Stiles

We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon.

- Ryan Stiles

What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.

- Ryan Stiles

Two thongs don't make a right.

- Ryan Stiles

I cant sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. Im shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.

- Ryan Stiles

I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.

- Ryan Stiles

I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around.

- Ryan Stiles

The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!

- Ryan Stiles