My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

- Les Dawson

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

- Les Dawson

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

- Les Dawson

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

- Les Dawson

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stan…

- Les Dawson

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

- Les Dawson

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

- Les Dawson

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

- Les Dawson

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

- Les Dawson