On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

- Jim Davidson

I don't believe in predestined fate. The future is what we choose to create.

- Jim Davidson

When we have an item that has value to the school and the athletic department, we cannot throw it away just to be fair.

- Jim Davidson

I took the wife out last night; one punch!

- Jim Davidson

Always say no to drugs. It will drive the prices down.

- Jim Davidson

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 99%. Wedding cake.

- Jim Davidson

People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die.

- Jim Davidson