I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone. But that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.

- Samantha Bee

I find Donald Trump so haphazard, and that keeps me up at night.

- Samantha Bee

There's a danger zone if you take yourself too seriously. It's a terrible trap to fall into. I think it's the death of comedy.

- Samantha Bee

Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at…

- Samantha Bee

Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My p…

- Samantha Bee

It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.

- Samantha Bee

Sex with my first boyfriend was a little bit like learning how to put in a tampon, but only half as enjoyable!

- Samantha Bee

The worst thing you can do to a dictator is laugh at him.

- Samantha Bee

I'm capable of living in the moment. And I'm especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people's moments.

- Samantha Bee