Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

- Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

- Paula Poundstone

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

- Paula Poundstone

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their sh…

- Paula Poundstone

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

- Paula Poundstone

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

- Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you …

- Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

- Paula Poundstone

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end …

- Paula Poundstone