How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

- Judy Tenuta

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

- Judy Tenuta

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

- Judy Tenuta

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

- Judy Tenuta

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

- Judy Tenuta

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

- Judy Tenuta

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

- Judy Tenuta

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

- Judy Tenuta

I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables …

- Judy Tenuta