I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Right now, it's everywhere I want to be.

- Scott Wood

I joined a health spa recently. They had a sign for "Free Weights." So I took a couple.

- Scott Wood

When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, no…

- Scott Wood

I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel.

- Scott Wood

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out.

- Scott Wood