I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.
Every picture of you is when you were younger. - Mitch Hedberg
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
- Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. - Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. - Mitch Hedberg
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily … - Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily …
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. - Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's h… - Mitch Hedberg
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's h…
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus? - Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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