Every picture of you is when you were younger.

- Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

- Mitch Hedberg

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

- Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily …

- Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

- Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

- Mitch Hedberg

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's h…

- Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

- Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg