I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.

- Tim Conway

As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comed…

- Tim Conway

You can't TV surf without coming across an Andy of Mayberry episode where you've just got to watch Don as Barney. And that's why I put Don in several…

- Tim Conway

I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort o…

- Tim Conway

I've never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.

- Tim Conway

Why do you do what you do? Why do you dress the way you dress?Why do you do what you do with your time? Why do you watch what you watch on TV or at t…

- Tim Conway

It's hard to be sad when you're laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

- Tim Conway

Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.

- Tim Conway

I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.

- Tim Conway