White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

- Greg Proops

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

- Greg Proops

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

- Greg Proops

No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

- Greg Proops

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

- Greg Proops

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

- Greg Proops

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

- Greg Proops

I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Holl…

- Greg Proops

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

- Greg Proops