I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

- Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being…

- Chelsea Handler

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

- Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

- Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

- Chelsea Handler

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

- Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun …

- Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

- Chelsea Handler

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

- Chelsea Handler