It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character …

- David Henry

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something l…

- David Henry

Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another ac…

- David Henry

My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel towa…

- David Henry

Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying: 'Some nights I don't know why I even bothe…

- David Henry

At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours'…

- David Henry

If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today.

- David Henry

You can't throw him back because he doesn't meet the legal size limit.

- David Henry

I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cell phone might be passing through my body right now.

- David Henry