As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.

- John Swartzwelder

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

- John Swartzwelder

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it.

- John Swartzwelder

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time an…

- John Swartzwelder

I made a circular motion with my finger around my temple to indicate I thought this guy was crazy, forgetting that there was no one in the room to se…

- John Swartzwelder

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

- John Swartzwelder

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

- John Swartzwelder