I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

- Larry The Cable Guy

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

- Larry The Cable Guy

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Larry The Cable Guy

I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo

- Larry The Cable Guy

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

- Larry The Cable Guy

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

- Larry The Cable Guy

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware …

- Larry The Cable Guy

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

- Larry The Cable Guy

I pretty much live on my tour bus.I do well around 300 shows a year. A lot of times I will do two shows a night.

- Larry The Cable Guy