I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works…

- Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

- Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied…

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

- Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

- Phyllis Diller