I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.
Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you. - Judy Tenuta
Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.
- Judy Tenuta
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait." - Judy Tenuta
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."
What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks. - Judy Tenuta
What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.
You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard. - Judy Tenuta
You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.
How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide? - Judy Tenuta
How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?
I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist. - Judy Tenuta
I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.
I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain. - Judy Tenuta
I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself. - Judy Tenuta
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.
I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables … - Judy Tenuta
I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables …
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