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I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

Amy Schumer
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Amy Schumer's Popular Quotes

I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.

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I just want to get the most money I can.

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I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three y…

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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly abou…

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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wo…

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