I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

- Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite

- Maria Bamford

We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.

- Maria Bamford

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

- Maria Bamford

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop …

- Maria Bamford

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing a…

- Maria Bamford

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

- Maria Bamford

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.

- Maria Bamford

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting…

- Maria Bamford