Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

- Laurie Notaro

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

- Laurie Notaro

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy…

- Laurie Notaro

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover …

- Laurie Notaro

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges …

- Laurie Notaro

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

- Laurie Notaro

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

- Laurie Notaro

I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and …

- Laurie Notaro

Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.

- Laurie Notaro