I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time. - Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
- Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. - Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die… - Anthony Jeselnik
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die…
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. - Anthony Jeselnik
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody … - Anthony Jeselnik
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody …
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha… - Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha…
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. - Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and… - Anthony Jeselnik
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and…
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