When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

- Garry Shandling

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

- Garry Shandling

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because t…

- Garry Shandling

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

- Garry Shandling

In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.

- Garry Shandling

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

- Garry Shandling

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know thes…

- Garry Shandling

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

- Garry Shandling

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

- Garry Shandling