I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I ha…

- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

- Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

- Groucho Marx

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

- Groucho Marx

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

- Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

- Groucho Marx

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

- Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

- Groucho Marx