A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

- Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

- Alan King

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

- Alan King

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

- Alan King

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

- Alan King

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

- Alan King

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereot…

- Alan King

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer…

- Alan King

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

- Alan King