I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

- Allen Carr

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vi…

- Allen Carr

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

- Allen Carr

Wouldn’t that be an incredibly stupid thing to do? To say ‘I never want to smoke again’, then spend the rest of your life saying ‘I’d love a cigarett…

- Allen Carr

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

- Allen Carr

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

- Allen Carr

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

- Allen Carr

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

- Allen Carr

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so…

- Allen Carr