A tortoise is, I suppose, a Jewish pet. It knows its place. Out on the lawn. It doesn't bark. It doesn't tear the Dralon.

- Maureen Lipman

Did you ever meet a mother that complained that her child phoned her too often? Me neither.

- Maureen Lipman

My idea of a good work-out is two hours spent worrying about the bags under my eyes.

- Maureen Lipman

As for blondes having more fun, well, let me dispel that rumor forever. They do.

- Maureen Lipman

Of all the forms of exercise that I have done, Power Plate® training is the most concise. If I start my session at 9.30am, I know I can be at my desk…

- Maureen Lipman

Jewish Alzheimer's is forgetting everything except a grudge.

- Maureen Lipman

Chutzpah' is best defined as a small boy peeing through someone's letter box, then ringing the doorbell to ask how far it went.

- Maureen Lipman

I suppose the nearest equivalent to a bar mitzvah in terms of emotional build-up would probably not even be one's wedding day, but one's coronation.

- Maureen Lipman

You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view.

- Maureen Lipman