I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that…

- Victoria Wood

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

- Victoria Wood

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.

- Victoria Wood

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could …

- Victoria Wood

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' w…

- Victoria Wood

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my eveni…

- Victoria Wood

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

- Victoria Wood

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get…

- Victoria Wood

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

- Victoria Wood