I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

- Pat Paulsen

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?

- Pat Paulsen

Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.

- Pat Paulsen

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

- Pat Paulsen

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

- Pat Paulsen

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not …

- Pat Paulsen

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

- Pat Paulsen

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.

- Pat Paulsen

I don't need adult supervision.

- Pat Paulsen