I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

- Gary Gulman

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any s…

- Gary Gulman

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

- Gary Gulman

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

- Gary Gulman

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a …

- Gary Gulman

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

- Gary Gulman

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

- Gary Gulman

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

- Gary Gulman

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

- Gary Gulman