My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

- Anthony Jeselnik

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

- Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

- Anthony Jeselnik

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

- Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die…

- Anthony Jeselnik

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody …

- Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha…

- Anthony Jeselnik

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

- Anthony Jeselnik

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and…

- Anthony Jeselnik