The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

- Justin Halpern

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

- Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

- Justin Halpern

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to…

- Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

- Justin Halpern

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or somethin…

- Justin Halpern

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

- Justin Halpern

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

- Justin Halpern

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car…

- Justin Halpern