Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, you…

- Mike Birbiglia

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

- Mike Birbiglia

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

- Mike Birbiglia

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

- Mike Birbiglia

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

- Mike Birbiglia

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

- Mike Birbiglia

I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'

- Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

- Mike Birbiglia

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

- Mike Birbiglia