I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's something, even if it's nothing.

- S. J. Perelman

The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

- S. J. Perelman

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.

- S. J. Perelman

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

- S. J. Perelman

If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I've written, I feel the day hasn't been totally wasted.

- S. J. Perelman

I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.

- S. J. Perelman

There is such a thing as too much couth.

- S. J. Perelman

I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.

- S. J. Perelman

This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide ... except at Bloomingdale's.

- S. J. Perelman