Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

- Jimmy Carr

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

- Jimmy Carr

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

- Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetari…

- Jimmy Carr

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

- Jimmy Carr

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

- Jimmy Carr

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

- Jimmy Carr

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

- Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door …

- Jimmy Carr