I hate skinny women, especially when they say things like 'Sometimes I forget to eat.' Now, I've forgotten my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but …

- Marsha Warfield

How many women here like to have sex in the morning? Now how many like to be awake when it happens?

- Marsha Warfield

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.

- Marsha Warfield

You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

- Marsha Warfield

I'm beginning to appreciate the value of naps. Naps are wonderful, aren't they? Sometimes now I have to take a nap to get ready for bed.

- Marsha Warfield

I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.

- Marsha Warfield