I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

- Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

- Doug Stanhope

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

- Doug Stanhope

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at t…

- Doug Stanhope

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pric…

- Doug Stanhope

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

- Doug Stanhope

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now …

- Doug Stanhope

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

- Doug Stanhope

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

- Doug Stanhope