Advice to rock gods: drugwise, stick to Ibuprofen, decaf lattes, and pale Pilsners ... If your stomach is not a flat slab, please leave your shirt on…

- Ian Shoales

The word relationship best refers to the connection between parasite and host, or shark and remora. It's a biological term. I'd rather be a jerk than…

- Ian Shoales

Men want to put their signature at the bottom; women don't want to finish that letter.

- Ian Shoales

I know what love is: Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall, Romeo and Juliet, Jackie and John and Marilyn.

- Ian Shoales

Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic.

- Ian Shoales

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

- Ian Shoales

I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-p…

- Ian Shoales

Favorite color: I hate colors.

- Ian Shoales

L.A.: where there's never weather, and walking is a crime. L.A.: where the streetlights and palm trees go on forever, where darkness never comes, lik…

- Ian Shoales