I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a gir…

- Andrew Dice Clay

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.

- Andrew Dice Clay

Women today leave the house in animal prints and six inch stilettos, what does that say? I'm going to church? They're saying I want you to hang me by…

- Andrew Dice Clay

I do whatever I do. I go to the club. I work on material. While other people are sleeping, I'm awake. I always liked that. I like being able to drive…

- Andrew Dice Clay

When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey", I care about me.

- Andrew Dice Clay

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!

- Andrew Dice Clay

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

- Andrew Dice Clay

Little Boy Blue... he needed the money!

- Andrew Dice Clay

I always wanted to give people the more exciting version of what I think a comedian should be - because I didn't grow up with comics, I grew up with …

- Andrew Dice Clay