I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time. - Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
- Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. - Anthony Jeselnik
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha… - Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to wha…
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. - Anthony Jeselnik
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. - Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and… - Anthony Jeselnik
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and…
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die… - Anthony Jeselnik
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who die…
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody … - Anthony Jeselnik
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody …
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